Charnel Tea is out, baby!
I wrote a book. It's called Charnel Tea: A
Most Distasteful Scenario.
Congratulations! Now listen here, Russell!
You've written a bloody book, that's the baseline! Charnel Tea? What a title!
Sounds like you've crawled through hell and back to get it done! So tell me,
straight up, what drove you to write this? What's the core of this story?
Well, I was only really driven by the
desire to write the story. I had it in my head, and it needed to come out like
a great big dump, and it did.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! IDEAS AREN'T
FOR THE WEAK! You saw something in your head and YOU TORE IT OUT! You didn't
wait for inspiration, you didn't wait for the perfect bloody moment, YOU DUMPED
IT OUT LIKE A MAN ON FIRE! But let me ask you something - did you edit it
after? Did you carve it, sweat over it, make sure every word was sharp enough
to cut someone's throat? Or did you just leave it there like a steaming pile?
No, I edited it. It took me about a year or
so, and I did it all myself. It was a hell of a learning experience. I even
hand-drew my cover.
ONE YEAR?! BY YOURSELF?! YOU MAD BASTARD, I
LOVE IT! THAT'S HOW YOU BUILD SOMETHING REAL! THAT'S HOW YOU TAKE PAIN AND MAKE
IT ART! Hand-drew the cover?! Most people beg for pity with stock images, but
NOOO - YOU PUT BLOOD ON THAT PAPER! What possessed you, Russell? Why didn't you
quit after the first twenty drafts? WHY DID YOU KEEP GOING WHEN NOBODY WAS
WATCHING?!
Because I'm a stubborn bastard and I wanted
it done and that's it.
AND THAT'S THE FIRE I WANT TO HEAR! NO
EXCUSES! NO MAYBE TOMORROWS! YOU WANTED IT DONE AND YOU GOT IT DONE -
REGARDLESS OF THE COLD SWEAT, THE DOUBT, THE TEARS! THAT'S WHAT SEPARATES MEN
FROM BOYS! THAT'S WHAT SEPARATES CHAMPS FROM CHUMPS! So tell me, soldier - when
this book hits the shelves and people read it - WHAT DO YOU WANT THEM TO FEEL?
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE INSIDE THEIR SKULL?
The truth is, I didn't really have any
agenda in that regard. I had no thematic ideas, no literary agenda. I just told
the fuckin' story, and I found that certain themes emerged after the fact.
BULLSHIT! EVERYTHING WE DO HAS AN AGENDA!
I pantsed the whole thing.
DOESN'T MATTER HOW YOU DID IT! PANTSING?
GOOD! PLANNING? GOOD! ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU FINISHED! THAT YOU TOOK THE
IDEA FROM YOUR HEAD AND SMASHED IT ON PAPER LIKE A HOCKEY PUCK! You didn't plan
every step? FINE! BUT LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE GOT! A BOOK! A WHOLE DAMN BOOK!
That's not luck, Russell. That's not magic. THAT'S DISCIPLINE! THAT'S GUTS! You
just told me you had no agenda, no theme. WHO CARES! THE READER WILL FIND THEIR
OWN MEANING! But did you ever get scared? Did you ever sit there staring at a blank
page thinking I can't do this? TELL ME!
I wasn't sure how the story itself was
going to fly. There's some pretty, we'll say questionable material in it. I
deal with some potentially very offensive topics, but you know, I had to do it
and it's out. I'm proud of it.
AND THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! THAT'S THE
MINDSET! YOU DIDN'T CENSOR YOURSELF FOR THE SENSITIVE LITTLE SNOWFLAKES OUT
THERE! YOU LET IT LEAK, YOU LET IT BREATHE, YOU LET IT HURT! THAT'S HOW YOU
MAKE ART THAT MATTERS - BY PUTTING THE REAL SHIT OUT THERE! The world doesn't
need another cosy bedtime story - it needs the TRUTH, THE DIRT, THE SCREAM! You
proud of it? GOOD! BECAUSE YOU SHOULD BE! Now the real question - who's reading
it first? You sending it to your mum or are you saving her the heart attack?
No, I got a couple people in mind that I'm
going to give copies to. I'm getting reads on, you know, Amazon KDP, my
platform. So I'm just going to kind of go with it. Let's talk about the
contents of the book.
LISTEN HERE RUSSELL! YOU DON'T GO WITH IT!
YOU DON'T KIND OF ANYTHING! YOU TAKE THAT BOOK AND YOU RAM IT DOWN PEOPLE'S
THROATS! YOU FIND EVERY PERSON ON THIS PLANET AND MAKE THEM READ IT! But
alright, FINE. Let's talk contents. Let's talk meat. What's the first line?
Give it to me. I want to taste it.
First line, Syd was a reclusive guy, and
given the hand he'd been dealt, he'd done most things right.
SYD WAS A RECLUSE! GOOD! STRAIGHT INTO THE
GUT! No flowery nonsense, no soft introduction, BAM! READER IS THERE! DONE MOST
THINGS RIGHT? HA! That tells me straight away - this guy's gonna get his arse
kicked! This is a train coming - I can hear the rails screaming! Right, so - Syd.
Who's this Syd?! What kind of hand did the universe deal him? Why's he hiding?!
SPIT IT OUT!
No, he just prefers his own company. He
wakes up from a two-week staycation, cut off from the rest of the world, to
find that the zombie apocalypse has descended.
ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE?! NOW WE'RE TALKING! NO
MORE HE JUST WANTS TO BE LEFT ALONE BULLSHIT! THE WORLD ENDED AND HE MISSED IT!
FOR TWO WEEKS! THAT'S NOT A BREAK, THAT'S A COMA! A SELF-INFLICTED CATASTOMA!
And now he's gonna have to fight? With no neighbours, no family, no Netflix?
JUST HIM, HIS BRAIN, AND A HOUSE FULL OF TOAST! Did he at least stock up on
tea, or is he gonna sip chamomile while the undead gnaw at his ankles?!
Syd stocks up on food. Anyway, I don't want to
give too much away. I'm going to bring this interview to a close because my
time is running short.
NO! YOU DON'T CLOSE THIS WHEN YOUR TIME
RUNS SHORT! YOU CLOSE IT WHEN YOUR LEGS GIVE OUT AND YOUR LUNGS COLLAPSE! BUT
FINE! FINE! I GET IT! YOU'VE GOT A BOOK TO PROMOTE! YOU'VE GOT A WORLD TO WAKE
UP! Go on then! Go get 'em! But hear me Russell — once this is done, you're not
stopping at one book. NO WAY! THIS IS BLOOD IN THE WATER! MORE! ALWAYS MORE!
Now get out there. And when you're tired, when nobody claps, when it feels like
nobody cares — YOU KEEP GOING! BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU DO! GOOD LUCK, YOU STUBBORN
WARRIOR!
Well, thank you very much, and, you know,
we'll see you again. Book is called Charnel Tea. It's available on Amazon. Go
ahead and check it out.
CHARNEL TEA IS OUT THERE, RUSSELL! IT'S NOT
YOURS ANYMORE! IT'S THEIRS! IT'S EVERY DAMN PERSON WHO'S TIRED OF PRETENDING
THE WORLD IS A NICE PLACE! EVERY PERSON WHO'S READY TO LOOK INTO THE ABYSS AND
LAUGH! So don't thank me. Thank the nights. Thank the hunger. Thank the
stubborn fire in your gut that said 'I AIN'T DONE YET'! NOW GO! GO PROMOTE IT
LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT! LIKE MINE DOES! AND WHEN YOU COME BACK - AND YOU
WILL COME BACK - YOU BETTER HAVE ANOTHER ONE! SEE YOU, WARRIOR!
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